The Language Barrier

As some of you might know, I am spending a portion of my summer in Kenya with my mother to visit her side of the family. She grew up in the bustling capital city of Nairobi where she got a top notch education, made friends, and managed to graduate high school with good grades and a firm grasp of three languages-Swahili, English and her tribal language, Kikuyu.  One day, she decided to further her career by going to University in the USA.

When my mother got to the United States, not only did she manage to graduate with a few degrees under her belt including a Master’s degree in social work, she also managed to land a husband (for a while), a couple kids, a sweet job and citizenship. Isn’t that awesome?! I mean to leave her whole family and move to a foreign land, and to actually make something of herself at a rather young age is very impressive. Although I don’t say it enough, I really appreciate what my mom has been through on her journey to where she is now. Honestly, I doubt I would even survive childhood in a Kenyan boarding school where the kids are vicious, the food isn’t that appetizing and the chances of you seeing mom and dad are slim to none for months at a time.

However, there is one thing that I wish she had done. While she was busy getting her life together and raising her children, she forgot to teach her kids about her Kenyan heritage. Sure she often fed my brother and I traditional Kenyan food and occasionally talked to us in Swahili and Kikuyu, however the emphasis on really truly learning about her country and its people was not there during our childhood. As a result, we grew up Americanized and generally ignorant about life in Kenya.

That is, until we go there to visit our family. My mother considers going to Kenya, going home. She falls right into the traditions, proper greetings and the language as if she never left. My brother and I on the other hand are left outside of this cultural bubble, forced to awkwardly listen to hours and hours of discussions, lectures, jokes, prayers, songs, commercials, and greetings without understanding enough to get the gist of the conversations or the punch lines of the jokes. When we meet new people, they go from assuming we are one of them to treating us like just another American tourist. We become the target of “what a shame” looks, and an overall loss of dignity. Questions such as, “do you know Swahili?” “Why not?” and “did you understand what they were saying?” become the most common English phrases we hear. People look at us like we’re stupid and we feel retarded, because honestly, we are. Does that sentence offend you? The fact that I don’t understand a language I should offends me even more. Our mother and the majority of her side of the family can in fact speak Swahili, English, and Kikuyu. Even the small children know enough English to carry out a conversation with us, but most speak Swahili around us, no doubt asking amongst themselves why we don’t know what they are saying. During this trip, more than ever before, I genuinely feel like an outcast, an untouchable. When people discover I have no idea what they are saying, all I want to do is crawl in a big hole and wait to fly back home to America. Isn’t it ironic that at the very place my own mother feels most at home, I couldn’t feel any less so?

Some people may understand what this feels like to an extent. Have you ever been to a different country where the only people that speak your language are your friends and the tour guide? That’s kind of like it, but imagine upon going back home, you learn there was a law passed that changed the meaning of all the words you were ever taught and nobody sent you the memo. Now everyone is wondering how you’re even a citizen of your country and you can’t even speak the language. In their mind, you have had your entire life to learn this language just like the next person-everyone in the country including your whole family speaks it except you and there’s really no good reason why. You’re usual charms are worthless in this new language you don’t know. You have to rely on an interpreter to understand what your children, parents, and friends are trying to tell you. Imagine living a day at the place you call home where nobody knows what you are saying, and you don’t know what they are saying. You might as well be deaf and mute. Even though you’re in the same room where everyone is, it’s as though you’re all alone with you and your thoughts, light-years away from everyone around you. It’s extremely depressing and lonely.

Now, I have asked my mother why she didn’t teach me the languages of our, or rather her people. She has a semi-valid explanation-my father who was American did not encourage her to teach my brother and me her native tongue. In fact, from what I can tell he blatantly put her down when she tried to do it. I don’t know the conversations they had verbatim, but the result is my mom stopped trying to teach my brother and I Swahili, leaving us without what I consider a major birth right-our mother’s language and culture.

Sure, we can learn it now right? If I really wanted to learn it, I could stop whining and start studying right? Of course I could, but it’s a lot easier said than done.  I’m trying to teach myself Swahili, but it is so hard to pick up a language and stick to it when you have other, more immediate things to do. First of all, I don’t have money to blow on software like Rosetta Stone (my obvious first choice of instruction), so the internet and books are the way I have to go.  Now what? Learn vocabulary I guess. After that maybe I could tackle verbs, and grammatical particulars. But who can help me make sure the meager sentences I’m putting together are correct? What am I doing, really? I am speaking for myself when I say I can’t just teach myself a language. I can teach myself how to do difficult math problems, or memorize psychological terminology, but a complete language is out of my league. I need structure and guidance and so far, my questions outweigh my answers.

Secondly, I’m in college. I’m not just in college; I am an Honor’s student who relies on good grades for scholarship money. Speaking of money, I have to find a job before school starts again and once I get the job, I’m going to have to work. So between working and studying, I have little time to sit at a computer or read books not related to my studies to catch up on what I should’ve learned by the age I was five or six.

"Can anyone hear me?"

If only I could say all of this in Swahili to answer my family’s questions about why I don’t speak Swahili...

Lame Ass Teachers

They're like this, but not as hot or motivated.

Lame ass, useless teachers piss me off. I woke up this morning in a nice mood, almost ready to conquer the world. So, I got on facebook to make sure there wasn’t a huge shootout or tsunami or something and I see a post of one of my old teachers that said something about supporting education. I thought back to my last year of that particular class in high school and specifically remember us not doing shit. Hey, how about you support your own education that you’re supposed to be raining down on your pupils instead of having a glorified study hall all.year.long. Don’t even get me started on that teacher’s study hall. As a student, I did not and still do not care that you had a dissertation that was due that year. I had graduation that was due that year and I would have loved to learn how to read music or SOMETHING before that time because it was probably going to be my last music class I would ever take. So thanks a lot, dear teacher for being a good for nothing waste of air at my city’s public school system.

It wasn’t just this one, but there were quite a lot of babysitters in that building. However, it seemed extra hypocritical of this person to cry out for education reforms and support of “The Arts,” when they were being the arts worst enemy most of the time. People, if you get a job, do your job, or quit. There are starving artists all over the world who would kill to get a position that is as influential and steady as teaching young people about a very valuable craft. What you teach children young and old goes with them for the rest of their lives. In that class, I was taught the value of a horrible work ethic. 

Best Present Ever. (A How-to Guide)

Have you ever wanted to give someone a present that says just how much you love them? Nothing is good enough right? Wrong! I was in that very situation this past Christmas. My fairly new boyfriend was flying me out to his parent’s place in Wisconsin to celebrate the holidays. You can dissect that sentence on your own time. To me, the point was, I better get him something that a.) he LOVES and b.) doesn’t embarrass me, especially in front of his parents. It needed to be appropriate enough to pass around the family circle (if that’s what they do, I had no clue) but a little cute and girlfriendy so he doesn’t forgot about me when I’ve gone back to Virginia and he goes back to work.
I looked everywhere and by everywhere, I mean I Googled it. I asked in every way possible but for the longest time, I couldn’t find a present that I liked AND could afford. This was already the Christmas I had dropped the most of my own money on. Shoot, it still feels a little lonely in my savings account, but I didn’t want that to reflect in my present. Anyway, after searching far and wide on my computer for the holy grail of presents, I came across someone’s idea to make him a coupon book. It was perfect. I immediately began to dream up rosy visions of this beautiful coupon book made with the chirpy enthusiasm of one of Santa’s bubbly elves. So it was all set. I was going to make the best coupon book ever. Unfortunately, when it came down to actually making this book, I stepped into Michael’s with a head full of expectations and an empty basket. I took one look around, lingered on the aisle with hundreds of different types of fricking paper and my mind went blank- I couldn’t imagine an actual design for this perfect book let alone decide what color paper I wanted. Defeated, I walked out with a head full of questions and a still empty basket. That was an utter fail. For a week I thought and thought about how I would execute my perfect present, but couldn’t find anything. Then I decided that maybe I should just make an album. But like I said, this was a fairly new relationship with a grand total of two (2) pictures of the both of us. Even if I were to just start this book, I couldn’t properly make one page so I went back to the drawing board. After much soul searching and a little help from my friends (in particular, Ms. Mason), I did come up with a great present. All it took was a design from this lady (http://www2.fiskars.com/Activities/Crafting/Project-Gallery/Other-Projects/Coupon-Gift-Book), a few more confused visits to Michael’s, mental images of his reaction and a little bit of my sanity. This is dedicated to all the people looking for the perfect present for their significant other. Homemade scrapbook for dummies, if you will:

Step 1. Gather your tools and figure out your coupons. I had a calligraphy pen, colored pencils, scissors, a ball of string (behind the glue), glue,cutter thing (green thing), a hole puncher, corner rounder (blue triangle), black and white brads, and a glue gun. Make sure you know what the coupons will be for and type them out.

Step 2. After you know how many coupons you're making, get some cardstock and cut out 3 by 5 ½ inch rectangles. You should be able to get a few out of one 12 x 12 sheet of cardstock paper. Round the corners if you want and punch holes on the left side of the squares for the brads that you put in later to keep the book together. I already had a cool little doohickey that my mom had from her scrapbooking days to round the corners; otherwise they can just be rectangular. He’ll still love you.

Step 3. Now that you’ve got your blank pages, it’s time to decorate. Determine what font you like and actually make one tester coupon so that the size and font are legible and look good. Based on what your coupons are, you can decorate the pages however you want. Use things around the house or objects that mean something to the both of you so that your darling knows that you put a lot of time and effort into this project just for them. Or if you’re not broke, go to Michael’s and go crazy. Commandeer an employee for a few hours, tell them what you’re trying to do and have them help you pick out things to embellish the pages. Don’t forget the glitter.

Step 4. For the cover, you will need a 12 x 12 sheet of heavy cardstock paper of a different color than the pages. Do this just how Mrs. Kingman says or you’ll be sorry:
“Cut patterned paper to 12 inches by 3½ inches. Fold the piece at 1 inch, then fold the rest over so that the cover tucks under the first fold like a matchbook. Round the top corners. Punch two holes in the bottom fold at 1 inch and 2¾ inches.”

Put the finished coupons in the book. Line them up with the holes and carefully insert the brads. Try not to tear the holes, but don’t freak out if all of the pages don’t really fit. I have a solution. After you have put the pages in your book, write a cute little message on the front cover. You can use a different colored piece of paper so that it sticks out or depending on the color of the cover page, you can also use a nice calligraphy pen or something and write straight on the cover in some loopy letters. That’s what I did. Either way, make the front page look pretty.

Step 5. Figure out how you’re going to package this masterpiece. I had a sprint phone box laying around that I wrapped in white and red paper and lined with tissue paper that I perched my little bundle of joy on. It was quite beautiful if I do say so myself. After you’ve done that, right before you seal it up for good, take a nice ribbon and tie it like you would a present. If you don’t know what I mean, Google it. The ribbon keeps it closed until your sweetheart opens it, and it looks extra perfect with your hand-tied bow.

Step 6. Bask in the glory of the Best Present Ever.
Remember, make it your own, give it to whoever you care enough about to make this for. Any event is a great time to give a coupon book, except funerals. I’m not sure how that would go over. Christmas, birthdays, Valentine’s day- good. Funerals- bad. I’ve posted some pictures below that show exactly how I made mine so if you really aren’t one for being creative and doing your own thing, you can just copy mine. However, if you do that, please post this blog on your wall or something so that someone will actually read this thing...

On with the photos!

As you can see, I made a cute title for each of the coupons and put them in the corner. For each corner, I cut a half moon out of standard black cardboard paper and then made sure the edges were rounded out by re-rounding them with my handy dandy corner rounder thingy. (My vocabulary is so professional, right?)

To decorate the pages, I used regular old construction paper and aluminum for my cupcake lining.

This was my first coupon was pretty basic, as I continued, more ideas came to me and the project started to look like something special.

The aluminum added a nice shiny touch that was lacking since I couldn't find any glitter around the house...

I'm especially proud of my popcorn which was made by hand out of scraps of red and yellow construction paper. 

Since he loves the packers, I decided to make a special card just for football. Any sport will do, especially if you don't really care for it but he does :)

For the "Do over" page, I used two brads to make my repeat sign. All I did was sick them in at the right spot and secure in the back. 

Interactive couponing!

I made two little versions of us, glued his to the page and on my little red shirt, I wrote "Pull Me." When he did so, the details of the coupon were inside. Isn't that cute?!

"A Date with Mother Nature" featured real dried flowers that I saved from a bouquet he got for me when we first started dating. Details people.

This one took work. Lucky for you I figured it out. Cut out a crown from gold paper you have folded in half. Type out the description of the coupon and tuck it inside the "crown." My sweetie got a full massage, 3 meals, a tidied apartment, and whatever else he wants (within reason). Remember, this is supposed to be appropriate.

For the "Dinner for Two" coupon, I simply found this patterned paper at Michael's, cut out a square of it and pasted it on top of one of my card-stock sheets. I shaped it up with some scissors, re-rounded the edges and re-punched the holes that were covered up. Then I just continued as usual making my title corner and gluing my words...

Blank checks are always fun, but make sure you write a disclaimer or something on the back if you are afraid your loved one will take things too far. Just sayin.

So, that was my crash course how to of how to  make the best present ever. I hope you enjoyed it - I sure did. Honestly,  the best Christmas present for me was seeing my guy's reaction. He really liked it and I hope your darling appreciates this coupon book as well! Otherwise, take it back and use them on yourself!